| This is my last post as silencedeyes... |
[11 Jan 2005|04:14pm] |
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It is very sad for me. But hello I have a paid account now under a different user name, so whatever.
I started this journal because of a boy.
I am ending this journal because of a boy.
The guy I started this for wasn't worth it.
The guy I am ending this for was worth it.
This is about as open as I get on Livejournal.
I hate Mike.
I hate him because I can't get over him. I think about all the things that happened with him. I know in my head that it is for the best that it is over. In my heart I wish it would have never ended. Ready for me to tell the truth? It was my fault that our relationship ended. He tried and tried, and I pushed and pushed. We would fix something in our relationship and I would go and turn my back on that. In a very quick summary of our realtionship: I met mike when I was 16. I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him. I got to know him online and my way of getting people to like me is to tell them I want to sleep with them. Well, the next time I saw him we had sex. Then I didn't talk to him for a long time. When I finally did talk to him he told me he was moving back to New Jersey, I suggested that we hang out. We did. We spent almost every second together until he left. I felt like I was in a cheesy love movie. I fell so hard for him. And he left. Than one day he wanted to come back to Arizona. I told him that I would move him and his best friend out here. I was so happy. I was finally going to be with him. When he got here, the second day he was here we got into a tiff because I was jelous he was going to hang out with Shrek and I didn't get to go. I went and got drugs to make up for the fight. We kept doing drugs, and I kept falling harder for him. He wasn't in love with me. At least he didn't say it. Then he finally did. I was on cloud nine. I was in love with someone who loved me. This was it. I had no desire to be with anyone else for the rest of my life. I just wanted to be with him. I am not sure what happened exactly but I went CRAZY. Not like a little bit crazy but full blown crazy. I attempted suicide over and over and over again. He was right there by my side, pissed, but he was there with me and for me. I know he had finally had enough on night. He tried to end it. I begged him to change his mind. When he got home that night I flipped out again. It was over this time. There was a fist fight and cops were there. It is all a blur to me still. But it was over. I would give anything to relive that night over again and undo it all. I would give anything to be with him again. I am tired of people telling me to get over it. I don't want to. I really don't. I love this man more than anything in the world and I will never be with him again. I will never see him again. He will never love me again. It kills me everyday. I don't know a healthy way to get over him. All I have been doing is getting high. That is my defense. It is my defense to any emotion. So really, Mike should be considered a hero from all the things that I have done to him. I wish he knew how much I hate myself for everything that I have done.
Once again, Mike, I am very sorry. I know my words mean nothing to you now. But I guess I still have hope, and if I can't have that I will never get over you. Or maybe that is what's holding me back. It doesn't matter anymore. Does it? I will always love you. I may fall in love with someone else someday, but, as you said yourself, you can never love somebody the same way you loved someone else. I get that now. You were my first love, and you were my first heartbreak.
I feel like I have to end this journal. The reason's I started it was ridiculous. I wanted some guy to think that I was deep and blah, blah, blah. Turns out I'm really not. I am a fraud. Almost everything I say is a lie. Almost everything that I feel is so distored I don't really know how to feel it.
What did Silenced Eyes mean anyways? I thought it meant I didn't want anyone to try to close my eyes and hide me from a harsh world. Turns out the only who was trying to prevent me from seeing the truth was me.
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[10 Jan 2005|08:44am] |
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I hate all this Livejournal bullshit. I am so done with it. I am done with Livejournal and will delete this some time this week.
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| FUCKERS... |
[29 Dec 2004|01:01pm] |
Welcome to FRIENDS ONLY country. You want me. Leave a comment.
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| Hate me after this one... Suckas |
[28 Jun 2004|10:21am] |
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I had an amazing weekend. It was one of the most amazing weekends I have had on a long time.
Friday I got to see the horrors of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2:
Mind you this is not a scary movie(alright, I jumped at a few cheap shots, but I jump at everything), it is just down right horrible. But as in most bad horror flicks they are like a car accident, you simply cannot take your eyes off of it. Horrible people! Horrible.
Then we move on to Saturday because nothing else good happened on Friday. Me and da boys went to go see Dodgeball.
This movie is freaking hilarious. (Wow, I just censored myself). But I must tell anyone who goes to see the movie. Stay unitl the end you impatient, impatient people, because fatty makes a funny.
So to continue with my Saturday, we went to Atomic Comics, and boy was I out of my element. And then we went to the used book mecca, Bookman's. I got three new (used) books. If I read then all within 10 days I can take them back and get my money back! Yes I can. That is kind of dumb though. Why would you have a return policy on books? Eh, I guess it isn't my place to say. Oh so the three books that I got are: (I am so being a picture whore today)
And screw the third book because I don't remember the title and I can't find it anywhere :)
So after Bookman's we ventured to Zia Records. I refused to look at anything, because I hate looking at things I can't have. :(
So went home, ate, I read, watched some teleivision, and passed out on the couch at 10pm. I am so freaking exciting. I woke up in time for SNL, and then went to bed afterwards. My ass woke up at 5am. Five freaking AM. *yuck* I folded laundry and eventually passed out again at about 8am.
*Yawn*
This is becoming a boring post.
Let's excite it up a bit.
Hahahaha!
That was funny.
Very very funny.
Very.
Raise your hand if you can tell if I am bored at work. Only raise your hand if you're 
Ok that is enough.
Where was I? Oh yes Sunday. Eh, sunday isn't really important to you people. It was just a nice lazy day. Ok well the whole damn weekend was like that. But I did get out of the house on Saturday.
So, I have decided to not talk about my realtionship with Mike anymore. I only seem to post when I am uber happy, or uber pissed. That isn't fair to him, and it makes me seem really bi-polar, hmmm wait I am. But I would like to add, he is amazing and this weekend made me realize so much. But that is all you get. No more. I am done takling about that.
Oh my god, I forgot. Duh! Mike shaved back the "hawk", on Sunday. So hot!
I am sure everyne on my friends pages hate me for having such a big post, but, you can kiss my rear. (why do I keep censoring myself?)
Someone bring me some evil starbucks. Please.
I want to smoke right now. Funny thing about being poor. I want to smoke these:
But I have to buy these:
because they are $2.00 cheaper. And yes they are disgusting.
Ok, I an bored with this post now. So peace out!
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[23 Jun 2004|10:17am] |
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I really want to leave you and all of your bullshit.... I hate you now. Your feelings for me may have been dirtied but at least I am not slowly killing you.
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[23 Jun 2004|10:15am] |
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I dont know who actually LOOKS at my journal vs. just reading your freinds page but my journal is UNDER CONSTRUCTION....
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[21 Jun 2004|09:36am] |
I know this isn't going to work because, well let's face it, I am not that lucky, but I am desperate.
I was hoping that anyone who reads my journal could send me $10. I figure that it isn't a whole lot of money to give up but at this point any amount of money will help me.
If anyone feels like helping me out on this send me some cash that I am not paying back to
Cassandra
423 North Creston #243
Mesa, AZ 85213
Think of it as a keeping me off the streets fund, or an early birthday present. I know noone is going to send me anything, but i figured it was worth a try.
How much Cassandra is short on rent....
$391.00
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[17 Jun 2004|10:19am] |
Top Commenters on ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) silencedeyes's LiveJournal
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Report generated 6/17/2004 10:18:47 AM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.1
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[15 Jun 2004|02:14pm] |
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Will you be my Joelie?
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[11 Jun 2004|01:07pm] |
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Someone has been trying to hack into my email and has now locked up my hotmail sccount. All I have in my email account is a ton of spam and livejournal and my space crap people. GET A LIFE!!!
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| The weekend... In full. |
[24 May 2004|08:15am] |
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So I went home from work friday night feeling horrible. All I wanted to do was pass out and never wake up again. But I got very awake after smoking. So me, Jon, and Mike were all chilin and crap when of course Mike leaves to go hang out with his friends(he never invites us). I was awake and wasn't going to bed anytime soon, So Jon and I watched all the epoisodes of that 80's show. I love that show and it sucks that it was cancelled. Mike came home and we stayed up all night. Everything was good until the sun came up. But that is how it always is. We fought about drugs. He wanted them and I was trying to save them for later. I don't see why he would get mad at me because I buy them. I wanted to save them because they were mine. Anyways we decided that it was a really dumb thing to fight about and he agreed we stopped fighting. Then our party was suppose to happen. My so called friends decided to bail on me and not drive the 30 minutes to my house becasue it was to far. This is billshit for two reasons. I have done it for them and Cariie drove allt he way from Tucson, after working all day. So they are no longer my friends. Most of the people who said they were going to go didn't. Some people who came I wish didn't, but whatever. party ended me and mike were getting along. I almost blurted out the 'i love you' again, then i freaked out and started crying my eyes out. This was the wrong time to do it and now Mike is ignoring me. I tired to get him to come to bed because he kept falling alseep on the couch and he said "no i dont want to be around you". It bothered me and I spent most of my evening puking and crying (I dont think either one of them knew this).Maybe someday me and Mike will get over our issues and be happy all the time. Maybe we won't and we will break up.
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| What do you do when you are spun and bored? A SURVEY SILLY |
[20 May 2004|08:53am] |
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LAST PERSON WHO
x. Slept in your bed: Mike
x. Saw you cry: my mommy
x. Made you cry: Mike
x. Spent the night with: Mike
x. You shared a drink with: Mike
x. You went to the movies with: My mother & sister
x. You went to the mall with: I am no freakin clue, I'll say my mom
x. Yelled at you: Mom
x. Sent you an email: Livejournal - Liz
x. You kissed: Mike
HAVE YOU EVER...
x. Said "I Love You" and meant it?: sure, anything is possible
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: kinda, she gets mad @ me an tries to ignore me
x. Been to New York: YES
x. Florida: no
x. California: So many times I hate the damn place
x. Hawaii: no
x. Mexico: *thinks* I don't remember what I did there, but I know I was there
x. China: Yuck.
x. Canada: No.
x. Chicago: yes
x. Danced naked: After the shower or when I am getting ready... cuz I am so cute.
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: eh. yes.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: just to pee standing up, masturbate, and do a chick. Other than that gross, no, hello boys are gross, duh.
x. Had an imaginary friend: No, I wasn't cool enough.
x. Things you like in a girl/guy: to many to list
x. Do you have a crush on someone: Yeah, my boyfriend.
x. What book are you reading now: Candy (wish I knew the author because the book is amazing, it is about heroin)
x. Worst feeling in the world: I am a drama queen, so I think alot of things are, right now, it is me coming down
x. What is the first thing you think when you wake up: When I do sleep... hmmm... I want to go back to bed
x. Future daughter's name: Avicia Monroe
x. Future son's name: I haven't thought about it.
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: No, I sleep with a Wonka
x. What's under your bed: actually, nothing
x. Favorite sport to watch: Is sex a sport? If so then porn.
x. Current Age: 18
x. Siblings: Older sister
x. Location: mesa
x. College plans: Going to go. For what? I dunno.
x. Piercings/tattoos: Navel Piercing, and my ears. The Depeche Mode Violater flower on my back.
x. Boyfriend/Girlfriend: yes
STUFF
x. Have you ever loved someone you had no chance with: This is sort of weird. I didn;t think I would ever have a chance with Mike other than the bathroom fling. Then I thought no fucking way after he moved back to Jersey. Yeah we live together now. Still freaks me out.
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: grrrr... many of times
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: I have two.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: No
x. Are you lonely right now: No, ask me again tomorrow though
x. Ever afraid you'll never get married: No
x. Do you want to get married: Yes
x. Do you want kids: Someday
FAVOURITE
x. Room in house: Either the master bathroom or the living room.
x. Type(s) of music: SYNTHPOP... nothing else exists. But I also enjoy metal, Industrial, Trace, Happy Hard Care, Oh fuck it I like em all.
x. Color: Red, Black, Purple, Pink is starting to grow on me.
x. Perfume or cologne: Perfume
x. Month: I am happiest in October. That is the month i was conceived!
x. Stone: The Hope Diamond
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: Almost
x. Bought something: Smokes
x. Gotten sick: Kinda
x. Sang: Isn't that like saying have you had the chance to breathe today?
x. Said "I Love You": Yes, to my mommy
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: *cough* *cough*
x. Met someone new: Hmmmm... the guy who cut me off met my middle finger. Does that count?
x. Moved on: With what?
x. Talked to someone: Dumb question
x. Missed someone: Yes
x. Hugged someone: Yes
x. Kissed someone: Yes
x. Fought with your parents: Yes
EXTRA STUFF
x. Do you do drugs: Did the Titanic sink?
x. Do you drink: Not as much as I used to, But yeah.
x. Who is your best friend: Randy
x. What are you most scared of: My feelings
x. What clothes do you sleep in: Depends, most of the time PJ pants and a tank top.
x. Where do you want to get married: Doesn't matter
x. Who do you really hate: My father & X-step brother
x. Been in Love: yes, alright, yes
x. What type automobile do you drive: 2002 Chevy Cavalier, fully loaded
x. Do you have a job: Yes, I have a great job
x. Do you like being around people: depends on who and my mood
x. Are you for world peace: I would rather have peace of mind
x. Are you a health freak: Bahahahaha
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| ATTENTION |
[18 May 2004|04:23pm] |
I think my little 'Friends Only' Phase is over now. I don't care enough.
That is all.
I will post something of substance when I feel like it.
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[18 May 2004|03:34pm] |
People suck..
Yes you all suck.
Transmission ended.
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| How does one take this then? |
[11 May 2004|10:29am] |
Sent to me by darkkone
Well I guess this is goodbye. You say that I make you feel like a whore, I don't try to. If me telling you the truth makes you think that then maybe you should take a look at how you act towards people. The way you flirt, the things you say and do, the lies you weave.
Any comments?
I am such a whore. Bad me. Fuck you. Oh wait, that is why you are pissed off. I am not fucking you. So let's belittle me. Whatever makes you feel good about yourself. Go for it.
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| fuck it i am done. |
[10 May 2004|01:35pm] |
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I am tired of caring what others might think about me. I am so fucking done. I am sick of having 2 different wardrobes just to fit some little world that i fucking hate. i am goin to start doing my body mods on a severe level. i will look how i want to. period. you dont like the way i look. dont look at me. and stop thinking about fucking me.
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[27 Apr 2004|03:24pm] |
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I don't beg I never beg. But I am about to beg. I for the first time in my life am poor. I got cut off from my mom, and know I have 80 bucks to last me for 3 weeks. This wouldn't be so bad if I had some food in my fridge, but I have nothing. I have to buy the gas that goes in my car to get me to work to make some money. I have to buy cigarettes. If i dont buy cigarettes I will kill someone. I am so fucked. I have 3 fucking mouths to feed and no food. I am sure I am going to have to buy them cigarettes to but they can just quit smoking because I can't afford it. I am in tears because I don't know what poor is. I admit that I have been very very spoiled all of my life. I am going to have to get a second job, and I already work 45 hours a week.
When do you reach a point when you have had enough and you actually start listening to your mother?
I am starting to fear that my life will be filled with mediocraty. I know I can get through this but I can't do it on my own. This fucking sux. Maybe I will be a stripper, because they make good money. Donate some plasma. Anyone wanna have sex with my for $500.00? I will lower the price if necassary.Donations are also welcome.
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| This will be my last public post... |
[26 Apr 2004|08:06am] |
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I hate myself.
When does the game you play become the life that you want? And how does the person you are trying to destroy develop a face and a heart you don't want to let go of.
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| go blah yourself... |
[23 Apr 2004|04:50pm] |
my caffiene high is gone.
things have been so much better not having to think about you.
not have to worry.
not have to care.
Without you in my mind.
I don't know, I just feel good.
I don't think that we ould have truley loved each other when our two worlds have collided. I don't think either one of us would have dealt with losing the fantasy very well. I don't think you have any idea what is coming. I don't know who you are yet.
I am tired of being the glue that holds you all together.
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